No Babies

This one won't make me a lot of friends—more likely, death threats—but the only group more blind to its own faults than baby people is probably caustic and cynical bloggers. I'm going to go out on a limb and take a wild guess that they sell a lot more Clifford the Big Red Dog than they do Go the Fuck to Sleep.

I never wanted children, never had children, and have never been sorry—quite the oppositeabout my decision, despite enduring the many who, over the decades, have told me that I was wrong and would change my mind. Closer at this point to death than birth, my mind still hasn't changed.

Years ago, as part of a group containing one baby in a bucket and another self-propelled but still in diapers, I walked into the once haute but now defunct Dish of Salt Chinese restaurant in New York City. We were barely in the door when the maître d' broke into a sprint toward us crying, "No babies! No babies!" I will never forget the warm-and-fuzzy feeling my cold, dark, child-unfriendly heart got that day.

Once during a plane trip, sitting in front of a wailing, kicking, and, icing on the cake, shit-smelling baby ("Did Breyer"—the freaking kid's name was Breyer—"make poop in her pants?"), a thought came to mind: Which would have a better chance—pun intended—of taking off, a baby-friendly airline, or a baby-hostile airline, marketed obviously for people traveling with or without those noisy, annoying creatures?

Babies (includes toddlers) / Baby People:
  • Are kept penned in cages and gated from accessing areas because they are little uncontrollable animals.
  • If you ever behaved and made a mess like a baby at the dinner table, you'd never be invited back. But it's okay - even cute - for babies to puke, scream, drool, spill beverages, throw food.
  • Babies have no concept of what a sneeze is. When they do sneeze, it is disgusting. And often at the table.
  • Babies do not sit still. For a second. And in a second, they can be into something they shouldn't be.
  • Baby people leave no room for the concept that some people are not baby people.
  • Being with baby people as a non-baby person is like being with a bunch of drunk people while sober.
  • I find it difficult having a conversation with a full-size humanoid whose grammar is bad. How do you expect me to communicate with a tiny humanoid who barely has any language at all? The intellectual development of this little creature is your problem, not mine.
  • Baby people do not consider for a moment that some people might think that opening up a reeking, feces-filled diaper and changing it in plain view is absolutely disgusting. And I really don't need to see baby genitals, male or female. It gives me the creeps. Child molesters must be pretty screwed up if that's a turn-on.
  • When I burp in public, all eyes lock in on me as if I had just shot someone. When a baby burps, even in church, it's a "good job!" (And, of course, it's cute.)
  • And where the hell did this "Good job!" shit come from? Somehow this washed over all reproducing couples like a meme tsunami.
  • That raised-pitch, goo-goo ga-ga baby talk adults do, particularly when it's that annoying translation shit - "She says, 'I'll have some of that pie!'" - makes me want to freaking scream.
  • Babies are like puppies. Puppies are like puppies. That's why I have a cat.
  • Babies make enough noise on their own. More than enough. So why do all their goddamn toys have to make even more?
  • Babies have no respect for personal property. Which is not their fault, but does tie into...
  • Parents become deaf and blind to a child's behavior when that child is theirs.
  • Two babies are not twice as bad as one. The increase in badness is exponential.
  • Do not "fun" diapers with cartoon characters and the like discourage children from getting out of damned things?
  • The sound of a baby crying is akin to a circular saw ripping through 3/4 inch plywood - and hitting nails. Just because you've managed to become numb to this noise, I have not, and never will.
  • Had I produced offspring, I probably would have been one of those fathers who went out for a pack of cigarettes (or a bottle of scotch), never to be seen or heard from again.
  • Finally, babies are an environmental nightmare. Between the sea of petroleum-based, container ship-delivered plastic shit they apparently require (caustic batteries and other non-degradable, rarely recycled materials included), plus the mountain of "disposable" diapers and other baby maintenance materials that wind up in landfills (and the sea), one baby probably has more negative impact on the environment than a fleet of HUMMERs and an Exxon tanker oil spill. Tree-huggers, forget the Prius and reusable shopping bags. If you want to show that you really care about Mother Earth, just don't have that second (or first, or fifth) kid. People like the Duggers - probably up to about twenty calves by now - should not be celebrated, they should be fined.

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